First, let’s be clear about one crucial fact – cult leader, Serge Benhayon, isn’t qualified to make a sandwich, let alone devise a life sustaining diet.
I just spent an afternoon analyzing Uncle Serge’s bizarre and random dietary classifications, a process which required such an extreme suspension of my few remaining rational processes I feared I may never get them back. Unfortunately, for all of us to be able to understand and unpack the workings of Planet Serge, we need a certain amount of information, so it’s with great unease I inflict his dietary eccentricities upon you. Trust me, the mere act of attempting to make sense of this silliness is hazardous to your health.
To keep it as painless as possible, I’ll start with a basic rundown of his exuberant dietary jargon and a list of foods it’s possibly, maybe, okay to eat sometimes, until his holiness decides the earth’s energy has shifted and rendered them too ‘pranic’, one of Serge’s invented terms meaning evil, dark, demonically possessed, potentially delicious and counter to UM’s fiscal profitability.
His basic whim is to avoid foods which are ‘pranic’ because they are full of evil entities and ‘create dampness or pranic heat’. (Incidentally, anyone who questions the veracity of Universal Medicine, whether it be your bewildered spouse, your concerned friends or your confused children, are classified as pranic too, i.e. put upon this plane expressly to prevent you from realizing your ‘innermost love’, as well as your dwindling dignity and impending bankruptcy.)
Next, because fieriness is the opposite to pranicness (?) you should only eat foods deemed ‘fiery’ by O Holy Great One. Failure to strictly adhere to fiery foods will bring upon something akin to a New Age Inquisition with ritualized confessions, repentances and humiliations from your fellow ‘loving’ students – a fate worse than cake. Or scones.
In the Universal Medicine diet chart handouts given to me, Serge has painstakingly delineated ‘EVIL FOODS, PRANIC FOODS and FIERY FOODS’. In other words, foods which you and I know as yummy and nutritious are EVIL, LESS EVIL and PASSABLY EVIL BUT STILL EVIL, except for a handful of items you can eat without spontaneously combusting from dark pranic forces and Esoteric guilt. In exoteric reality, however, these few acceptable foods are unlikely to sustain anything resembling a lifestyle in a physical body for five minutes.
Beginning with ‘EVIL FOODS’, not even Maitreya Buddha and all the Ascended Masters put together can save you if you drink coffee ‘(including freeze dried)’. According to Serge, ‘EVIL FOODS separate you from your divine essence. The intent of each food/herb on this list does exactly this.’
Remind me to interrogate the freeze dried coffee on its intention to rent me asunder of my soul.
And who knew Serge was a coffee snob?
Among the ‘EVIL FOODS’, on an evilness scale from 1 to 7, Ayahuasca is the most diabolical, with the scale improving slightly with marijuana, alcohol, opium and heroin and finally coffee. It goes to show how ignorant and pranic I am, because I never knew any of them were ‘foods’. Either way, these things are so evil, even if Alice Bailey resurrected herself and descended on a golden shuttle from Arcturus, she couldn’t redeem us from any of them, and if you do all of them in one sitting, which I reckon a guy I know has, your next million incarnations are bound to be spent in service of some version of Serge. Although it has a strange logic to it, because Ayahuasca is likely the only way to get your head around this crock of crap.
Unless of course you’re a surgeon named Eunice, to whom it makes perfect sense. So much sense she is able to literally sell it to her hapless surgical patients. It also appears she’s developed a new medical technique for frontal lobotomy which doesn’t require a scalpel.
Moving on; ‘PRANIC FOODS hinder the flow of the light of the soul of the body’ and ‘impose a flow of energy in the body that is not our state of being…’ If you can stay awake long enough to read that. The most pranic foods, ‘gluten, ginger (for women), grain and dairy’, are out, and I’ve heard of students being practically excommunicated for sneaking an ice cream. Serge thunders from his pulpit ‘The intent of cake is always comfort, same goes for mousse, ice cream and other treats.’
The road to hell is paved with treats!!
How dare you seek comfort when the dark pranic entities are out to possess you? For pity’s sake, never relax!
Personally, I’d say ‘ginger (for women)’ is likely avoided because there’s a dangerous possibility it could aid digestion, and worse, make you horny. However, Serge writes ginger should never be used as a condiment and is only beneficial in ‘esoteric herbs’ ($40 a jar from UniMed outlets). ‘Ginger is a scavenger of prana and cleans up the excessive maleness in the uterus.’
Hell! Where can I get me some?
‘For men it works in the lungs.’
It scavenges the maleness from men’s lungs? I’m not sure it’s wise to separate men from maleness.
‘Vinegar, beef, dried fruit, miso and non freeze dried decaf espresso’ don’t cut it either – languishing just below the ‘bridge’ from pranic to fiery, but at least you only sacrifice a few hundred future incarnations for taking a nibble at those.
Which leaves us with the foods you’re allowed to eat, if you still have the will to live. I’m too burnt out to delineate the fiery pranic rating system, so I’ll just throw them into a list of lowest fieriness to highest. Serge, mind you, couldn’t even be arsed to put them in alphabetical order. Note that a rating of 7, the ‘highest fieriness of the inner-heart’, is a level of transcendence no food has ever attained. I guess the tomatoes need to meditate more, sign up for more podcasts, or fork out for another round of workshops. The Great One says ‘only herbs can support you here.’ Once again, $40 a jar from the UniMed shop. If any of you have a jar, write in and tell us if they’re repackaged curry powder.
Aren’t they Jenny Ellis? Undoubtedly one of your innovations the TGA is investigating.
I’ll list the allowed FIERY FOODS from lowest to highest according to Serge’s unique system of ‘awakened’ logic. But be warned, while these are deemed acceptable to eat, don’t dare relax. This first group can create ‘dampness or pranic heat’! – resembling the current activity inside my cranium.
Chicken, kangaroo, sweet potatoes, cooked apple, pork, mango, lettuce, potato, figs, rice (I thought rice was a grain?), orange, paw paw, shiitake, venison, rock melon, grapes in moderation (lest one has a toilet epiphany to rival Serge’s), eggs, fish, turkey, lamb, coconut milk, various teas, bananas, quinoa, legumes, raw asparagus and broccoli, mandarines.
And now for the foods you’re allowed to eat without expiring from pranic aversion, although by all reports, several have been omitted since writing now that the pranic forces are closing in. The following fiery foods help you to ‘recreate a fibrous body of love & light – the body of the Soul on earth’. I guess we could take bets on how long you can remain in it.
Strawberries, pumpkin, guava, ginger for men when used medically (sic – medical ginger? Eunice is that you?), some herbal teas, soy milk (Warning:’SOME BRANDS ARE PRANIC’ !!!!) well cooked asparagus, choy sum, honey, tomatoes, coconut flour (is this a piss take?), watercress, tofu, zucchini, broccoli if steamed OR cooked (sic), grapefruit, seaweed, pineapple, lime, berries, nuts, capsicum, cherries, bok choy, lemon, avocado, kumquats (sic), onion, fennel, raw apple, beetroot, spinach, olives, olive oil, garlic, chilli.
Is this a diet or a list of Serge’s favourite foods?
I would have thought he’d have a fear of garlic.
Where the heck are carrots!?
Can you get special dispensation to eat a peach?
And as transcendentally esoteric as this diet is, how come it hasn’t made him taller or improved his spelling? The handout is riddled with typos and repetitions, and I’ve reached several unpleasant altered states of consciousness trying to read it. Unbearable Lightnesses of Being. However, when I get around to writing about his thought reform techniques, I’ll show you how that’s precisely the point. Anything to distract you from the reality that you’re being ripped off and having your health and dignity abused.
Who needs Ayahuasca when you can get into this?
Mind you, it works for Eunice Minford, the famous surgeon. Although, probably not the diet, just her blissful and lucrative association with Universal Medicine. She’s all over the internet saying how wonderful Serge and UM is.
The diet charts don’t include recommendations for meal plans etc. I daresay it’s all expounded in one of the silly bugger’s tomes. However, in the next post I’ll make a nutritional analysis of this mess, and use anecdotal evidence I’ve gathered to show how UM students are more or less attempting to stick to it. There, I’m afraid, the jokes will be over. Also, I’ll say now, this diet is utterly unsuitable for children. If you’ve had your children on this, you need to see a doctor and/or a qualified dietitian immediately, and if either of them have a good word to say about Universal Medicine, find proper professionals.
For any adult interested in pursuing this diet, go ahead, go nuts. Do so at your own risk, and if you google Universal Medicine I’m sure you’ll find an under qualified practitioner near you who will be happy to take your money and oversee your rapid mental and physical decline. Or as I said to one of our trolls, just drop a parcel of money off at Serge’s house and cut out the middle man. That way you’ll at least preserve your health.
Now if you’ll pardon me, I need a lie down.
Diet or Eating Disorder Part 2: A Level Headed Nutritional Analysis & Diet as a tool for instilling malleability
Diet of Eating Disorder Part 3: Surviving the Universal Medicine Diet and Thriving