The Universal Medicine cult has a thing for consent forms. Victims of Esoteric Breast Massage are asked to sign one; cult chakrapuncturist, Neil Ringe, asks his clients to sign a consent form for Esoteric chakrapuncture and Esoteric ‘psychology’ and participants of UM workshops are asked not only for consent but to provide details of their medical histories as well. Why? What’s so dangerous or invasive about gentle breath meditation and sacred Esoteric healing that would require consent? Why would a workshop consent form request detailed medical information? What goes on at UniMed workshops that necessitates the declaration of one’s HIV status? Why are a bunch of ‘healers’ with zero qualifications collecting private medical information? How do they use it and how do they store it? Importantly, how do these extremely questionable practices align with Australian privacy laws?